Book Review: Crucial Conversations

What is a Crucial Conversation?

According to the titular book, it's a skill that involves creating agreement using open communication for high stakes, opposing opinions, and emotional conversations.

I meet so many people who say, “I have trouble with conflict and tend to avoid it.”

Is this you?

Crucial Conversations aims to meet this issue head on. As an entrepreneur, I have many crucial conversations from giving feedback, to telling people I don’t like their ideas, to having to fire someone who I once enjoyed working with.

One tool that the book describes is STATE:

- Share your Facts
- Tell your story
- Ask for others to describe their own path to action
- Talk tentatively
- Encourage Listening

I can’t disagree with any of this, of course. I think the book provides a terrific introduction to good communication in the workplace and in your personal relationships.

But if you’re wondering how this content differs from say, emotional intelligence, and other books on communication; in truth, it doesn’t. When people feel safe to express themselves, they’re more likely to listen, be open, and communicate in a way that invests themselves in the outcome. This is true no matter the name.

Such change doesn’t happen overnight or by reading one book on the subject. I have made therapy a priority in my life for 10 years, and becoming more open and accepting is a long process. Reading this book is part of that greater journey.

OK, but does this stuff work on everyone? (The authors seem to think so.)

But the true answer is… LOL. NO it does not.

I take the view espoused by the author Robert Greene (The 48 Laws of Power) that self-help content envisions that we’re all perfect angels. "Crucial Conversations" is definitely guilty here.

Yes, we must prioritize conversational skills that help diffuse tough conversations. Still, it’s just one skill.

Taking the opposite tact: avoidance, overcompensating, getting angry… these are skills that you must ALSO know how to deploy effectively when necessary.

We gaslight ourselves into thinking our reactions are always out of control when we tap into these shadow aspects. But I believe they’re also skills to be used just like open communication. Learn them both.